Man-Up And Settle This Thing


Congress has been struggling to finalize a budget. The main problem is that the GOP is engaged in a civil war, with Moderates and Tea Partiers duking it out. For example, John McCain has called Ted Cruz a “whacko bird.” Comments like this just gum up the budgeting process, whose real purpose is to let Ted Cruz attract widespread attention and paint himself as an uber-patriot.

And ya gotta feel for poor John Boehner, stuck in the middle. He’s starting to resemble the coach in The Bad News Bears.

But no worries. There’s a simple way for the GOP to solve their war, and it fits nicely with historical precedent:

Have a duel.

Duels are no stranger to American politics. President Andrew Jackson survived at least thirteen duels. Congressman John Randolph dueled with Secretary of State Henry Clay. Their honor challenged, these guys put their guns where their mouths were. There are other examples, but they all started with the type of mockery and hostility we’re seeing today.

So, at an appointed date and time, the entire GOP meets on the House floor. They divide into their respective factions and line up, each with their back to a member of the “enemy within”. Then they march while counting to ten, turn, and fire.

“Seven, eight, nine…hey Bob, what comes after nine? Ahhhh, I’ve been hit!!”

The benefits are obvious:

1) No one will ever again doubt the surviving members’ support of guns.

2) Filming the event will allow C-SPAN to get a desperately needed ratings boost.

3) Online betting for the event will help kick-start the economy.

4) With the GOP ranks halved, Democrats can pass the bills we desperately need.

They say history always repeats itself. I’m fine with that.

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