MUSING ON MANZIEL’S 30 MINUTE SUSPENSION
Sometimes the Comedy Gods are looking out for you.
Writer’s block? Not when Johnny Football has a Magic Marker.
Writer’s cramp? Sure, yeah, Manziel couldn’t have played the first half anyway.
I’ve had chewing gum last longer than Johnny’s suspension.
Radioactive things have a half-life. Heisman trophy winners have a half-game.
The Aggie Marching Band will be on the field for longer than Johnny’s suspension… precisely.
On campus, the lyrics to “Taps” now goes “Go to sleep. Go to sleep. Go to sleep… come back the next half.”
The College Station Starbucks, in honor of Johnny’s penalty, is offering a new coffee additive… the Half.
At the on-campus GHWB Library, the archives have been altered to where now George says, on Iran-Contra, he was only half-looped.
Johnny Football’s suspension was shorter than the Kris Humphries/Kim Kardashian marriage…
And no one’s ever seen Kris Humphries sign an autograph!!
Ethnically speaking, the Feds were so pissed about Manziel only getting a half game suspension… they bombed Syria.
The suspension playing time is exactly equal to the length of a gamecock fighting round. Who knew? Maybe that’s the reason, in addition to Johnny’s 30 minute suspension, the NCAA is also requiring the Manziel Fighting Grays to enter cockpits with one spur tied behind their backs.
When news of the 30 minute suspension came down, Dez Bryant is going “Damn. I should have let Deion take me to the strip club, too.”
Bob Stoops is going “Rhett Bomar gets busted for being paid for not working… when all he needed to do was hang around the showroom signing autographs?”
Reverend Cecil Newton is shouting “Hallelujah! I guess this means it’s time for me to open my closet and auction off all the Cam-signed Auburn footballs so I can decorate the NEW church wing.”
Aggie coach, Kevin Sumlin, is saying “They got this right. Do I worry Johnny’s football throwing arm might be tired from all the scribbling? No! Johnny told me he did it all left-handed. Talk about talent!”
Reggie Bush is going “Hmmm, it only takes one autograph to get a house. What can you get for 4400 autographs?”