News From Across The Pond

There are two reasons local TV news is better in Ireland than in America: the stories are funnier and the newscasters get to swear on TV. A good friend recently posted a clip about an incident in Dublin that was reported by a TV news station. I’ve transcribed the report for your enjoyment:

“The court heard how Mr. Bernard Kilkenney, an off-duty guarder from CountyMayo, was in Dublin for the All Ireland Final when the alleged incident occurred. Whilst chatting with friends on Talbot Street, he was suddenly struck in the buttocks. Upon turning around he saw the accused, Robert Montigue, of Braunstoker Crescent, whom he said had adopted a martial arts pose. Mr Montigue was heard to say “Whatt’re ya bleedin’ lookin’ at?” But before an answer could be given, the accused kicked the plaintiff in the chin, knocking him backwards into a shopping trolley. Mr Montigue then pushed the trolley in the direction of Eamon Street and upon reaching Connelly Station he removed the cowboy hat the plaintiff was wearing and then urinated in it, before placing it back on his head. The plaintiff said of the experience “It frightened the shite outta me altogether Lord Jesus.” For his part Mr Montigue told the court “Them culties (?) is always here, all over the place, like cattle they are, smell a shite of them.” The case continues.”

Here’s the video clip. Tell me the flawless newscaster isn’t a total professional.

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3 thoughts on “News From Across The Pond”

  1. Well, well, well, where to begin?

    A “Culchie” is a name for someone from rural Ireland or more to the point, someone who lives outside Dublin. A culchie might call someone from Dublin a “Jackeen”. A jackeen could be described as a slick, self-assertive, lower-class Dubliner.

    Scurvy Jane (a culchie) might say to Thirsty Dave (a jackeen) “get your dirty hands off me, ye jackeen bastard”. Thirsty Dave might take this as a sign of encouragement and ask the scurvy one to marry him.

    There’s a good reason why so many Americans holiday (or vacation, if you will!) over here and come back again and again. I don’t think they can quite believe what they see when they get here. We like to party and party hard and I think that old adage that “I live to work not work to live” makes so much sense over here. I think we’re best known for our sense of humor and after watching the clip, I think we have to be!

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