The horoscopes we see in newspapers and magazines are always flattering to people, no matter what sign of the Zodiac they were born under. In an effort to correct that gross misrepresentation, I present The Horoscope of Painful Truth:
ARIES: Your usual habit of charging ahead with your own projects and expecting everyone to drop everything and go along with you will backfire when someone hauls off and punches you out.
TAURUS: Your innate stubbornness and hatred of being told what to do will cause you to take a swing at your asshole Aries boss. Be prepared to head for the unemployment office when you get out of the hospital.
GEMINI: You are advised to stop flitting around before you drive everyone crazy wondering what you’re up to and if you will tell the truth when finally confronted.
CANCER: Your grumpy moodiness is getting on everyone’s nerves. Stop being a wet blanket. Do some yoga or get yourself some Prozac.
LEO: You tend to forget that you are not the center of the universe. You will be flattered today by someone who wants something from you, and you will be dumb enough to fall for it.
VIRGO: Nobody cares if you have every thread in place. You look okay. Get over it.
LIBRA: You will spend so much time trying to decide what color to paint your house that it will never get done and your house will become a neighborhood eyesore. Your neighbors will torch the house one evening when you are out carousing, and you will spend the rest of your life living in the bus depot, amusing yourself by arguing with anyone who will talk to you.
SCORPIO: Don’t let the fact that you are oversexed and vindictive get in the way of your overwhelming ambition to attain absolute control over your part of the world, wherever it is.
SAGITTARIUS: Your big mouth will get you in trouble again. This is nothing new. You’re so used to it that you carry a boxer’s mouthpiece at all times, in case someone is about to clobber you. Animals love you, but only because they can’t understand what you say to them.
CAPRICORN: No, you won’t get into Who’s Who just by looking younger than you really are. You will have to get rich or achieve something. Those are the rules.
AQUARIUS: The world will recognize what a genius you are only after everyone stops thinking you’re just weird. This will take some time because, let’s face it, you are weird.
PISCES: Your overly sensitive, impractical, spiritual, dreamy nature makes you a perfect artist, writer, monk or mass murderer. No matter how smart you are, you’ll never make any money, but someone will always take care of you because you can be really charming when you care to take the trouble.