People, It Is Time To Fight Back

We see the same story every holiday season. And I’m not talking about It’s A Wonderful Life or The Charlie Brown Christmas Special. I’m referring to incidents that may or may not be part of The War On Christmas. Some local TV station looking to up the drama reports on the theft of baby Jesus figures from residential crèche scenes. In a season of giving, nothing is more shocking than savior-theft. So, a reporter braves the wind and cold to interview some distraught homeowner whose teary-eyed statement is always the same: “Why would anyone do such a thing?”

Like me, you’ve probably had it up to here with these crèche kidnappings, “here” being somewhere around the neck-level. So it’s time to fight back. But no one wants a neighbor guarding their display with a big-ass shotgun (okay, most of us don’t, but I could envision a raft of Stand Your Baby Jesus’s Ground laws coming down the pike). We need high-tech, non-violent ways to defend our crèches. Here are three possibilities:

Lockdown

It’s a complete mystery to me why someone hasn’t looked at a kiddy car-seat and said “Hey, that would totally work with the crèche!” Baby car seats lock into place in your back seat for obvious reasons. So why not have a system that locks the baby into the little bed (and then locks the bed to the ground)? This one is simple.

Feel The Power

You’ve already got lights attached to the crèche scene and the surrounding trees in your yard. So let’s run a wire to the savior-doll and have some sort of trigger device. If some unauthorized person lifts the baby out of the crèche, they get the shock of their life. Bonus: This has serious conversion potential when crooks believe they’re experiencing the power of the Lord for the first time and not 1000 volts of teeth-grinding electricity.

Take The Baby And Run

This one is the most high tech, but also the most fun. We refashion the savior doll to be made of easy-to-shatter material, perhaps paper-mache or corn starch (like those take-home food boxes). Inside the doll we place a GPS that determines when a moved doll gets a certain distance from the house. And inside the doll we also add a packet of mystery material attached to a trigger.

Now picture this – some guy is running for his life, clutching your baby Jesus doll. He gets four houses away from yours, sprinting for all he’s worth. And suddenly the doll explodes, covering him head to toe in red ink.

Homeowner 1, Savior-snatcher 0.

I hope to see one of these come to fruition in 2014. Until then, Merry Christmas everyone!!