The government seems to know everything about us. Today I’m turning the tables and setting forth rebuttal queries about intimate aspects of presidential life.
Here’s what I want to know:
1. If, as the President, you spill chocolate milk on Mrs. Lincoln’s hand-sewn bedspread, are you in trouble? Either way, who decides?
2. Can you ever blurt, “Maybe the dingo ate your baby!”
3. Is there a special, time-honored, presidential alarm clock, or does the President set his cell phone alarm? Or does he get a wake-up call? If he gets a wake-up call, is the voice terse and serious (“It’s time, Mr. President.”) or chipper (“Rise and shine, sleepy-head!”) or velvety-smooth (“Your breakfast awaits, Mr. President.”) And, if the President requests to be roused by a mellifluous, French accent, a gruff Irish brogue or bovine noises, is he obliged?
4. In the wake of an assassination attempt, does the President ever feel flattered by the attention?
5. How many of the President’s decisions are made during sexual negotiations with the First Lady?
6. Is the President allowed an unlimited number of friends on Facebook? If somebody declines his friendship — or, worse, unfriends him — are they targeted by the Secret Service?
7. Does the President ever wake up screaming from a nightmare that he’s fallen into Polk-like obscurity?
8. Does he ever wear Crocs, or agonize over which shoes to wear to nuclear arms negotiations?
9. Imagine yourself the President addressing the nation. You feel an air pocket descending in your belly, threatening to storm your sphincter. Do you excuse yourself and scurry away, or just clench hard and hope for the best?
10. As the President, can you finally talk back to your mother?