Problem Solved

I remember being in the pew at my Catholic church when I was thirteen. The time would come for the Monsignor to deliver his sermon. I’d brace myself for a story that held zero relevance and even less interest to a thirteen year-old boy. The Monsignor would step up to the podium and say:

“Isaiah walked through the Valley Of Cardenza, tending to his flock…”

Bam, I’d check out. No point listening to the travails of some Galician sheepherder in a toga. It was time to daydream.

I used to think the problem was that monsignors had no connection to the real world. They lived in a house across the street and spent their time in the church. Their real-world experience seemed rather restricted. But a recent event leads me to believe that in my youth and inexperience I might’ve been wrong.

A monsignor at the Archdiocese of Boston recently left his post. He was known for frequenting the seedier parts of town (so far so good, just like Jesus would’ve done in all his kindness). But then the Monsignor got bagged for soliciting a prostitute behind a graveyard.

The word “monsignor” reportedly derives from a visit a Catholic priest made to Jamaica in 1542. A witch doctor on the island told the priest “Jah mon, seen your problem. You need a wife.” I don’t know if that’s true, but hopefully someday the church will just let these guys be themselves. Membership is falling – the American Catholic church lost five percent of its membership in the last decade. It’s becoming the American Idol of religion.

The church needs to keep the interest of its parishioners, especially the younger ones. So just imagine a monsignor starting out a sermon like this:

“So last weekend I was chilling with a hooker at the graveyard…”

Bam, you’ve got the full and undivided attention of those teenage guys. They are now hooked. Their friends will start showing up with them. And the membership problem will be solved.