Putin Has Indeed Killed 13 People With Kraft’s Super Bowl Ring Since Obtaining It

Controversy surrounding a possibly pilfered Super Bowl ring has been brewing since Thursday when New England Patriots’ owner Robert Kraft alleged that during a visit to St. Petersburg in 2005, Russian President Vladimir Putin pocketed his prized diamond-encrusted ring.

The New York Post quoted Kraft: “I took out the ring and showed it to (Putin). And he put it on and he goes, ‘I can kill someone with this ring’. I put my hand out and he put it in his pocket, and three KGB guys got around him and walked out. I, too, looked into his soul. Man, it’s dark in there.”

Want your ring back?

Putin, who is currently filming a reality show in which he will pick out his new bride from a field of 250 contestants, is rumored to be furious over the allegations. His spokesman Dmitry Peskov denied that the Russian President stole the ring, but did confirm that the Putin has indeed killed at least 13 people with the ring since obtaining it. One was felled with an uppercut, three were taken out with repeated body blows, four with shattered sternums, and five with his patented ‘death punch’ strike to the nasal area. Another six may have also died from complications following a now-trademarked ‘Putin Ring Beating’. “The President does not want any hard feelings so he is cordially inviting Mr. Kraft to meet him at an opulent… Siberian villa, at which time the President will give the ring back to him in person.”

Upon careful reflection, Kraft has decided that Putin could keep the ring after all and that it was indeed a gift and subsequent misunderstanding.

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