Rookie lawyer Jonathan Morton has taken an abrupt leave of absence from law firm “Fondlam, Holden, and Wang” after what friends of Morton are calling a “violent team-building sexual assault gone awry.”
Morton is believed to have been the victim of what some are calling a persistent and systematic pattern of harassment. “Jonathan was forced to pay for all the firm’s catering, repeatedly beaten and threatened with death, told that his family would be brutally murdered and his sister violated sans prophylactic, and was ultimately the victim of an attempted gang rape during a company party,” said friend Bill Smithers.
The firm does not dispute most of the allegations, but says that Morton’s litigating skills had been a bit slow to develop. As a result, the partners had indeed instructed one of its junior partners to engage in some team-building exercises with him.
“It’s all for the team,” said a lawyer who wished to remain anonymous. “When you’ve been threatened and physically and mentally brutalized, it just makes you work harder for the team. It makes you understand that there are some things that are bigger than yourself, you know. It’s really hard to take a broken broom handle in the rectum and not want to do your best the next time out. This goes on in law firms all across the country. It’s really just a case of Jonathan being weak. This was just boys being boys. If Morton didn’t like it, he should have said something other than…well…I couldn’t really tell what he was saying because of the gag we put in his mouth.”
Once the partners came to the realization that many people didn’t think this was anything close to normal behavior, they declared that they would get to the bottom of all of this immediately.