I’m sure Ryan is reading this, as I’m sure he reads all of my writing. He doesn’t come out and say he likes what I write, but I know he’s reading. So Ryan, here are a few reasons why you should break up with Eva.
Trust me. It’s easier to hear it from me…your friend.
I’m not saying she’s a communist, but there’s no proof she isn’t. Remember the red scare? Don’t put our nation in danger. Ry-Ry.
Don’t you love America? I know you do, even though you’re Canadian. Don’t all Canadians love America? Of course they do. So break up with her for America.
Do you want to make this girl cry? Don’t make this girl cry, Ryan. She loves red, white and blue. She’s also deaf…and dying of cancer…and she has one arm.
<cut to shot of flag blowing in the breeze and “America the Beautiful” playing in the background>
2. Does Eva really love animals?
She’s beautiful, sure. Her make-up is always impeccable, but do we know for sure if it’s tested on animals? There’s no way to know that for sure, but she’s been a spokesperson for Revlon. As a PETA supporter, you know what Revlon does to animals.
You love your dog, George, right? Basically, she’s spitting in his face and rubbing lotion in his eyes every time she uses eyeliner.
3. You guys met on the set of a movie.
Is that really the foundation of a long lasting relationship? I don’t know, maybe you should ask your former co-star and ex lover Rachel McAdams. How did that turn out?
And what about Sandra Bullock? Don’t you know that mixing business and pleasure isn’t a good idea? (That is, unless “business” and “pleasure” are alternate words for our naughty parts…then yes…they totally mix.)
One word: Gili
4. She kicks George when you’re not around.
It’s true. It’s why she gets so mad when the paparazzi follow her. She doesn’t want proof of her dirty deeds.
Okay, so I don’t technically have anything to support this claim, but if it were true, wouldn’t it be a really bad thing? And aren’t we taught to assume the worst? Yeah, it’s called preparation, Ryan.
5. She’s a really bad driver.
Don’t you remember in 2007 when she had four accidents in one day? You read that right…four.
You were the star of a film called Drive. It’s practically a slap in the face to your career to be with someone who isn’t a good driver. I mean, you don’t want someone who can’t operate machinery …ahem…operating your machinery.
No. Instead, you need someone with an impeccable driving record and a reduction in insurance premiums due to limited claim filings. You know, hypothetically…
I could go on and on about this Ryan, but I’m sure I’ve already convinced you. I mean, sure, Eva seems really nice and charitable. Sure, she’s also beautiful, and she’s never been accused of assaulting anyone, but is that the standard? Is not assaulting someone the standard you’re using? If so, then I’m your girl.
Just don’t pull up those recent charges when I encountered some Girl Scouts and they were out of Somoas and Thin Mints. Those allegations are erroneous!
****NOTE: I didn’t really assault any Girl Scouts. (They had it coming.)