Six Best Jobs To Do While Tripping

Let’s face it: a mellow dose of good clean LSD, or a couple of handfuls of crunchy liberty cap mushrooms can really put a little spring in your step and just the right amount sparkle in your face. Here are a few occupations where a little Owsley Orange can really enhance your work experience and actually help you do a better job. (Oh…yeah, we know about the writers, artists, dancers, musicians, actors etc. Psychedelics are a job requirement, are they not?)

  1. TSA Agent – It’s really fun looking into the faces of innocent people all day trying to imagine where they’ve hidden the bomb or the gun or the liquid explosives. Just think of the possibilities after a couple of hits of high-powered blotter! You’ll be able to see hand grenades sewed into the golden brown breasts of beach bunnies from Bermuda, blasting caps under granny’s silver-haired wig, cherry bombs disguised as the testicles of ultra orthodox rabbis, sticks of dynamite posing as the ultra-fat dreadlocks of the touring reggae band. Only you, and you alone, can save this country from another terrorist attack! Go get ’em, Timothy Leary!
  2. Surgeon – Cutting into human flesh seems pretty cool, but imagine how cool it would be to slice somebody open chin to crotch with a couple handfuls of Oregon liberty cap mushrooms runnin’ all ‘round your brain. You could probably trip out on the heart just going thumpa thumpa for a coupla hours, then you could see what happens if you start crimpin’ an artery here and a vein over there…look out!
  3. Commercial Pilot – being responsible for the lives of several hundred people can weigh heavy on a pilot’s heart, but it’s not nearly such a downer after a hit of windowpane. Just an hour or so after take off you might look back into the cabin to discover you’re actually transporting the cast of Bambi to a Disney party 20,000 leagues under the sea at Ariel’s Atlantis Resort and Casino. So relax and have fun! It’s not every day you get to fly a commercial jetliner into the ocean on porpoise!
  4. Zookeeper – If there’s one way to summon the spirit of Dr. Doolittle it’s to do a little microdot acid. Next thing you know you’ll be in the middle of the big Hakuna Mattata experience with Simba, Poomba, and the whacked out lemurs singin’ “You got to move it move it” while Baloo the Bear breaks into “Bare Necessities”. Who needs Disney when you’ve got microdot!?
  5. Drone Operator – One step up from smokin’ dope and playing video games, it’s kind of a no brainer that you’ll want to be trippin’ pretty hard when you blow up those Paki villages. It certainly doesn’t hurt that they’re in “The Tribal Areas” – you can pretend to be the 21st century version of Custer getting his comeuppance for Little Big Horn. I mean, a tribe’s a tribe, right? What a blast you’ll have pressin’ that “fire” button on your joystick and watching whole villages go up in flame!
  6. Pole Dancer -Obviously a slam dunk, especially for guys. If you’re gonna get out there and shake your hairy ass around and rub your scrotum up against the dance pole, you better well be thoroughly out of your mind.

We’re just scratching the surface of all the great gigs that would be even greater with a few chemical condiments. Come on now! What else do we have up our sleeves? Swamp Tour Guide? CPA? Circus Clown? Indy Car Racer? Let’s hear ‘em before we’re too baked to write! Put on that great Owsley Brothers song, “I’ve Got Drugs To Do” for inspiration!

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10 thoughts on “Six Best Jobs To Do While Tripping”

    1. That’s good to know, Frank. I can see it now “Step aside, ladies. I’ve had a couple Silver Bullets and I’m ready to buff my scroty to a high sheen!”.

      Thanks for the comment!

  1. Condom Quality Control. Filling them up with helium and reenacting the movie UP with Abe Vigoda as the little boy. With that being said welcome to HO Jeb!! Great post!

    1. Right. The wacky hairdos and tall boy bowlers are intended as a distraction to keep TSA personnel from thinking about their nuts. But they’re onto ’em now!

      Thanks for the comment, Thomas.

  2. The first post on a night I went to bed so early! I missed this! So sorry, but this morning I caught up. So funny and can we add tree trimmers? I bet this would be interesting to watch.

    1. Tree trimmers imagining themselves to be howler monkeys! “What is that infernal racket, dear?” “Oh, it’s the neighbors down the street. They’re having their trees trimmed.”

      Thanks for the comment Fearless Leader!

  3. Receptionist. The job is routine and you are stuck to a desk all the time. A few sniffs of white powder and you will not only love everyone who calls or comes in, you will be wildly entertaining when you jump up and do a belly dance on top of your desk.

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