I grew up in a family of lawyers. My dad was an attorney who later became a judge for the State Of Connecticut (he really wanted to become a judge on The People’s Court but those spots are so hard to get). My sister became a talented immigration lawyer. But I was never drawn to the profession. I didn’t want to spend time in Divorce Court while a couple fought over how to divide their collection of Cabbage Patch dolls. I wasn’t about to help a chemical company defend its poisoning of farm workers. And I didn’t want to advise a predator running a bank to “neither admit nor deny wrongdoing”.

But something I just read is giving me second thoughts about my decision: In Tampa a 64-year old lawyer is currently representing a radio shock-jock in a defamation lawsuit against an on-air rival (a DJ nicknamed Bubba The Love Sponge). This is an important, precedent-setting case bound for the Supreme Court, but it’s also taken a strange twist – the lawyer just got bagged for DUI and is claiming he was set up.

Here’s what’s known to date: The attorney met a 30-year old woman while having drinks in a steakhouse (steakhouse bar = Red Flag #1). The woman bought the guy drinks and pretended that he was totally interesting (Red Flag #2). Then she asked him to move her car (a Red Flag hat-trick). So the guy did it. He followed his wanger out to the woman’s car and got behind the wheel. And then got pulled over by the cops shortly after driving out of the steakhouse parking lot.

Talk about not passing the bar exam.

So who was this enticing woman drawn to the charms of the lawyer? None other than a paralegal working for the lawyers who represent Bubba The Love Sponge. The paralegal has been accused of liquoring up the opposing side’s lawyer and then calling the cops once he got behind the wheel, but she’s keeping mum on whether or not her firm put her up to it.

Why didn’t my career counselors tell about things like this? Why didn’t someone tell me that the law could be fun? I know exactly how this game works because younger women are always trying to buy me drinks (until I wake up). I could easily spend my days as a paralegal, chugging manhattans in a steakhouse bar and foiling the opposition.

Oh well, maybe in a next life. I kinda feel for the busted attorney, but he’s only a year away from being able to collect Social Security and retire. They still have busses in Tampa, right?

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4 thoughts on “Steakout”

  1. How many lawyers get to say “I’m defending Bubba the Love Sponge”? That in itself is reason enough to want to become a lawyer. Okay, not really. Funny one, Thomas!

  2. Surely Bubba The Love Sponge is living the dream? If I ever get to 64 and a 30-year old woman buys me drinks and pretends I’m totally interesting, they can lock me up as a happy old man and throw away the key! Delusion is sweet!

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