Still Waiting For An Answer

The New York Times recently published an article about the vast and sluggish bureaucracy at the Vatican. The story mentioned a church official who was struggling to receive an answer to a simple question: “How do you offer communion during the flu season?” The official is still waiting for an answer, most likely because the bureaucracy is still dealing with an Italian industrialist who tried to curry favor by donating $100,000 worth of truffles.

This is a serious problem. No priest wants to get sneezed on while offering communion. But it’s also a risk to staffing levels – with an average age of 110, the priesthood doesn’t enjoy the same immune-system strength it had during the good old days of The Inquisition.

Since no one is helping this official, I’ll offer up a few solutions to his quandary:

Solution #1

Instead of having parishioners stand directly in front of you, make them stop ten feet away. Instruct them to open their mouths. And then flick the wafer into the opening. This is called the Frisbee Solution.

Solution #2

Italy is known for pizza, no? And how do they fetch pizzas from the back of those big ovens? That’s right, using those long wooden poles with the plate on the end. Simply place the wafer on the plate and reach it out to the infected parishioner (who is still ten feet away).

Solution #3

Start wearing one of those police helmets with a riot shield attached. Don’t worry about appearances. This is southern Europe after all, and people are getting used to guys dressed in riot gear. This is similar to how those bad, all-you-can-eat buffets deal with the flu season, and it works.

Solution #4

Vending machines. Sure, it’s tacky. But on the upside, it’s more money for the church. Your parishioners might hate it, but the higher-ups will definitely approve.

Solution #5

Send a tractor trailer to the Vatican filled with $200,000 worth of truffles. If you can out-do the competition, you might just get an official answer.

 

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6 thoughts on “Still Waiting For An Answer”

  1. Church is a giant petri dish of germs. We have to shake hands with everyone in the congregation plus everyone drinks out of the same goblet of wine! Ewww!

  2. You would think that people who had the flu would have the perfect alibi to skip church. But you always some devoted jerk who just isn’t going to risk eternal damnation for missing one Mass. Never mind that they expose half the congregation to this, with many becoming ill and those who haven’t got health insurance die from lack of health care services. That could get you thrown into Purgatory, I’m thinking.

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