Tarantula Dating in the 21st Century | HumorOutcasts

Tarantula Dating in the 21st Century

October 6, 2013

By: Jay

First, there were the Cicadas shedding their skin and grossing out the non-bug loving world, and now there are tarantulas – horny tarantulas to be precise who are looking to find a mate and take part in the biggest love fest since Woodstock. But don’t panic unless you live in California because that is where these sex-starved arachnids live.  So, are you in danger? Well, I would think anytime a tarantula shows up there is danger, but unless you are Spiderman, you are not the target of the sex-starved creatures.

So, what’s going to happen?  Well, male tarantulas will leave their underground bachelor pads and head above ground where they will attempt to hook up with some hot female spider babes.  Unlike human males, who try to woo women with subtle advances, the male tarantulas dazzle the females by wearing their sperm on the outside of their bodies. In fact, they weave what is known as a sperm web and they keep the web intact until they find Ms. Right.

Then, the mating ritual gets complicated.  While there is no alcohol or jewelry involved, there is food. In fact, it would behoove the male tarantula to provide his potential mate with a nice feast because if the female is hungry during the mating process, she will eat the male after the deed is done.   I have to wonder how she pulls this off and why the male spiders after thousands of years of existence don’t get this.  The only explanation I have is that the female spiders have tried to tell the male spiders about their propensity to devour mates, but the male spiders were too busy watching football and didn’t hear them.

Anyway, spider experts think the mating process might go like this:

Male tarantula: “Hey Baby, like my big web? It will rock your world.”

Female tarantula: “Show off, but size does not matter. Did you bring food?  A little Chinese might have been nice.

Male tarantula:  “Oh Baby, we don’t need food.  Love will fill us up.”

Female tarantula: “Come closer, Baby.  Let’s see what you got for me.”

Chomp, chomp, chomp.

Male tarantula:  “Oh my God, You just ate four of my legs!  Oh no…  Oh no!”

Female tarantula: “Sorry about that, but you should have known this could happen. You should have looked it up on the Web. Get it? Web?”

Yes, It’s good to be the queen.

Donna Cavanagh

Donna Cavanagh is founder of HumorOutcasts.com (HO) and the partner publishing company, HumorOutcasts Press which now includes the labels Shorehouse Books and Corner Office Books (HOPress-Shorehousebooks.com). As "den mother" to the more than 100 aspiring and accomplished writers, producers, comics and authors, Cavanagh's goal is to allow creativity to flow. She is a former journalist who made an unscheduled stop into humor more than 20 years ago. Her syndicated columns helped her gain a national audience when her work landed in the pages of First Magazine and USA Today. She teaches the how-to lessons of humor and publishing at conferences and workshops throughout the country including The Philadelphia Writers' Conference and Erma Bombeck Writers Workshop. The author of four humor books, Cavanagh hopes her latest book, How to Write and Share Humor: Techniques to Tickle Funny Bones and Win Fans, will encourage writers not only to embrace their humor talents but show them off as well.

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9 Responses to Tarantula Dating in the 21st Century

  1. October 9, 2013 at 3:33 am

    I hate spiders. And horny ones are worst. And I live in California. Oh, man, I’m screwed.

  2. Bill Y Ledden
    October 8, 2013 at 12:28 pm

    Do these spiders always meet on the web?

  3. October 7, 2013 at 5:18 pm

    And THAT’S why I chose NOT to incarnate as a spider! Also, I’m not that much of a leg man.

  4. Kathy Minicozzi
    October 6, 2013 at 11:20 pm

    Old Italian remedy for a tarantula bite: dance a tarantella. Even if it doesn’t cure the bite, at least you’ll have some fun before you pass out.

  5. October 6, 2013 at 10:30 pm

    If that’s not a good reason to avoid living in California, I don’t know what is …

  6. October 6, 2013 at 7:16 pm

    Oh what a tangled web we weave …

    • October 6, 2013 at 9:01 pm

      Yep. That says it all. I knew the male spiders were the bad guys!

  7. October 6, 2013 at 6:04 pm

    Hah! chomp chomp!
    We’ve had about 5 at our house over the years. Jeez they are scary!

    • October 6, 2013 at 6:18 pm

      I bow to your courage, Madam! I would have been a screaming idiot! LOL

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