The Big One

Some people think that our planet is just like the relationship between Levi Johnston and Sarah Palin – it can’t get any warmer. But it can, and it is. Just look at the mega-storms like Hurricane Sandy, massively destructive events where large insurers fine-tune their skills at low-balling policy holders. Or read the reports about the arctic ice melting. It’s happening.

But it’s hard to get any momentum going for coming up with a fix. Why? Because talking about global warming isn’t any fun. It’s science, and everyone knows that science is both depressing and boring. That’s why US colleges graduate so few Science majors. So how do we get people interested in the topic? Easy. We turn it into a TV show.

The new show will be called Top Chef: Cooking The Planet. The main polluters will gather and make the case for how much they contribute to global warming. And the winner will receive the title of Planetary Top Chef. It will go something like this:

Auto Exec: Our SUVs still get under thirty miles to the gallon. Hard to top that.

Coal Exec: Oh yeah? Our product is the nastiest thing out there. We’ve got entire cities in China choking to death. But that’s just for starters.

Tar Sands exec: You putzes are so yesterday. Our product has like 20% more carbon than regular oil. We are the Jack Kevorkian of energy. Yeah, I know the State Department just said the Keystone XL Pipeline is “unlikely to have a significant impact on climate change.” Don’t listen to those fools – it’s called the State Department because the people working there are always in a state of confusion.

I hope Geraldo Rivera is still free. We need a host that people will take seriously. Because things are getting serious.