The Butler Did It

Through our media and entertainment we get a glimpse into all sorts of strange worlds. We see the lives of obsessive collectors through the show Hoarders. We get a taste of what it’s like to spend your days haggling over the price of junk via Pawn Stars. We even get to peer into the world of closeted conservative congressmen via juicy reports on foot-tapping gone wrong in an airport men’s room.

But what’s the one strange world we never get access to? That’s right, the White House. Being the First Family is the strangest and most unique family-situation in the world, yet we know nothing about what really goes on.

Sure, you can take a cheesy tour where you walk around and look at paintings of former Presidents with wooden teeth, but that’s just history, which is so yesterday. You learn nothing about the real life of the First family. And in this age of Reality Everything, that’s just wrong.

Here’s how to solve this. We launch a Kickstarter campaign and then pay a White House butler to run a Twitter account. Imagine what we could learn from his (or her) feed:

@WHButler: Michelle found a pot plant in the South Lawn garden. Prez pointing finger at the kids. #coverup

@WHButler: Prez at dinner: “Please tell me this isn’t from a Paula Deen recipe.”

@WHButler: Kids overhead Biden saying that the #NSA is targeting Bieber. #pissed.

@WHButler: Caught First Lady staring out window & muttering “That Betty Ford book is starting to make sense. Two years and change, two years and change…

A leaking butler would probably get charged under the Espionage Act for endangering nation security, just like everyone else. But the way I see it, if this is to be the New Era Of Snooping And Spying, then all Americans should subject to the game. It’s only fair.