Everyone knows that something is up with America. Unlike, say, New Zealand or Canada, we’re plagued with gun massacres, racist incidents, domestic violence, and political idiocy. And that’s just last week – multiply by fifty-two and you get the picture.
We’ve obviously been cursed. The question is by whom? Well, I’ve figured it out.
Scientists who study outbreaks hunt for common human experiences that point back to a source. So, what’s the one thing that most Americans have encountered in one form or another?
Yup, pretty much everyone has interacted with Disney, whether through visiting the parks or watching the movies or buying the merchandise. For American families, going to Disney World or Disney Land is like Middle Eastern families visiting Mecca – you have to do it at least once. Nothing is as ubiquitous as The Disney Experience.
My first inkling of this came when I was ten. But I didn’t put the larger picture together until a recent trip to Connecticut. Here’s my evidence proving The Disney Curse:
When I was a kid my family went to Disney World. I was jazzed to ride Space Mountain, the indoor roller-coaster that screams downhill through total darkness. We got to the park after a grueling, straight-shot drive from New England, only to find the ride closed. Some guy had stood up during the ride, thereby decapitating himself.
El Diablo at work.
If you’re an actress in Disney shows or films, you have only one option if you want to continue in the entertainment industry as a young adult. You must make a soul-crushing, degrading transition from squeaky-clean, chipper tween into a hostile sex-kitten-slut. The clothes disappear and the shame envelops you.
Just ask Britney Spears or Selena Gomez if there’s a Disney curse. When they stare at the ground and walk away, you’ll have your answer. They know, but they’re too frightened to talk.
Police in Hartford, CT recently visited pawn shops during a murder investigation. They suspected the murder was theft-motivated, and sure enough, the murderous thief implicated himself at a pawn shop. He provided his name and photo while fencing the stolen booty.
And what was the booty? A custom-made gold chain with a medallion featuring the Disney character Scrooge McDuck.
Ever wonder why you wait in line for an hour at Disney World to take a two minute ride? It’s to give time for the curse to infect as many people as possible, especially kids. The conclusion is obvious – if we kill off Disney we can have our country back.