The Evolution of Retardation (Men of Mankind Explained)

So, I’ve been tasked by a friend with writing the “male’s perspective” on the subjects of “dating”, “sex” and “love”. The sad truth is, as males, we only have a perspective on one of the subjects above; and that’s sex.

Get in and get out before you climax, and leave before she asks you to wash the sheets. And in your less than drunk, pre-hangover state, pray the dog water you shot out for the three minutes you lasted doesn’t prevent her monthly visitor.

Now why is this, the general male perspective?

I could lie, and say its societies fault. Blame it on some unknown agenda carried out by Hollywood over the years through subliminal messaging and the characters they create, but let’s be honest here. The simple truth is… we men, are stupid.

The worst part is, we’re stupid on purpose.

At some point in our travels from monkey to man, we lost the ability to prioritize along with the extra hair and tail.

We rank sex as the most important part of life. After that comes a big penis or money to make up for the lack of a cucumber member. Three is usually a nice car, once again to make up for the Mr. Johnson thing. Then comes random sporting events, beer and way down at the bottom is “love”. Dating doesn’t even make the cut, mainly because we don’t see it as anything other than a means to getting to number one on the list.

We see dating as one of the last legal forms of prostitution. Spend enough on the meals and the drinks… and maybe, just maybe Mr. Happy gets to get wet. Assuming we’re good enough to get you wet. Otherwise Mr. Happy is in for one dry and unhappy visit to “Slippery When Wet World.”

(Damn, it’s really hard to keep this PG-13)

I know you were excepting to read this and get a feeling for how men really think, but we don’t. When you date us, bless us with your love we’re truly not worth it. We’re like the retarded kid who bags your groceries, the one that Ralph’s hires for the tax break. And we give you just that, a tax break. Maybe someday, after a lot of work you’ll train us to mop the floor; put our clothes in the hamper and not hump any other bitches. But in keeping it honest, two of those three things are a long shot.

And for that, I’m truly sorry. You women are truly amazing works of evolution or a higher power. True divinity here on earth, and well we men… are just men.

Rare are the ones you dream about. The ones who find you beautiful when you wake up. The one’s who buy you chocolate and cuddle with you in your ratty sweats when you’re on your period. That man, the one all women deserve, is the one you can blame on the subliminal messaging of Hollywood. And if you want that, find a good gay man and use a vibrator for the other urges.

Share this Post:

5 thoughts on “The Evolution of Retardation (Men of Mankind Explained)”

  1. You are on the money with this one Jason. Ex: I asked my husband if he liked my purse. His response: Huh, new bra? I’m getting laid tonight, right?

  2. Maybe we women should keep our men at home, feed them and just take them out of the broom closet for a romp in the sheets. 😉 😀

  3. Thank you for the honesty. I don’t understand why more women don’t get it! I only have one question. The phrase “the way to a man’s heart” should really be “if you feed a man he’ll have energy for sex and he’ll do what you want in hopes that he can release that energy on you!” Am I right?

Comments are closed.