The Jellyfish Apocalypse

By: Sam Howzit

While most of the planet was worrying about dead Mayans foretelling the end of the human race, something much more sinister was lurking in our world: Jellyfish. Yes, apparently, throughout the past decade, there have been rumors that a jellyfish apocalypse was imminent, and most of us, except for committed jellyfish watchers, missed it.

I guess the apocalyptic warnings failed to take root because people in places like Kansas were not too worried about sea creatures beating down their door. However, the jellyfish watchers (yes, they exist) were not so flippant about being annihilated by them, and they offered proof.

For example, did you know:

On the night of December 10, 1999, 40 million people, abruptly lost power on the Philippine island of Luzon? There was no storm or Tsunami; no, there were only thousands and thousands of  jellyfish blocking cooling lines of a local power plant. And it’s not just power plants. Swarms of jellyfish partially disabled a United States aircraft carrier, and capsized and sank a 10-ton fishing boat off the coast of Japan within the past decade. They are also responsible for wolfing down so much food in the Caspian Sea that they are the number one culprit in the decimation of the Beluga Sturgeon caviar supply.  And in their most heartless and cruel attack, jellyfish stung and killed more than 100,000 farmed Salmon off the coast of Ireland. Aquaculturists (those who raise fish for commercial uses) witnessed the attack but could do nothing and now have to live with the memory of the salmon yelling, “Ouch! That’s smarts!”

So, with all these horrific acts recorded, is it any wonder why many have jumped on the jellyfish apocalypse bandwagon?  Well, before you all go out and buy jellyfish shelters or panic rooms, take a deep breath because we are not about to be devoured by the slimy and icky sea creatures.  What scientists have now discovered is that jellyfish populations might experience cyclical population swells and decreases depending on what is going on in the oceans such as pollution or natural disasters. Although not enough evidence is there to turn this hypothesis from theory to fact, it seems plausible to many who study the seas. And if we are entering a cycle of decrease, there is a good chance the jellyfish apocalypse has been averted.

But don’t get too comfortable because marine biologists have also recently discovered the immortal jellyfish, creatures which age normally and then when they get old, they turn back the hands of time and get young again  It’s like they sold their little souls to the devil to achieve immortality. They are the vampires of the deep. Who knows what they can do to us mere mortals who walk the land!

So, do I have words of wisdom from experts to impart here? No, I don’t even know if everything I wrote was accurate as I am not a science writer. I didn’t even know what an aquaculturist was until today when I looked it up.  When I see a jellyfish, will I be more concerned?  I don’t see how that’s possible. I already flail my arms and legs in panic trying to get out of the water while yelling “Jellyfish! Jelllyfish! Save yourselves!”  Everyone from the lifeguards to the sharks hate me when I spot a jelly.  If I think about it,  I already do my part for jellyfish apocalypse prevention.  So, what’s my point?  Nothing except that Jellyfish are no more able to predict or cause our demise than the Mayans, so relax and buy that caviar because in a few years, if the jellyfish have their way, there might not be an ounce to be had.


And so you all don’t think I stay home and smoke stuff, here are some links:

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10 thoughts on “The Jellyfish Apocalypse”

  1. What about the living dead jellyfish? If living jellyfish can cause all that damage what could zombie jellyfish do? That’s the jellyfish apocalypse we should be worrying about.

  2. I think the true moral of story is “See what we can do if we all band together”. Are you paying attention Washington? If a few thousand jellyfish can sink a 10-ton fishing boat, surely our feckless leaders can put a budget together that doesn’t tank the economy.

    Perhaps its time we went back into the waters we evolved from and let the jellyfish run things eh?

  3. If I was the type of guy who spent all his time studying jellyfish and I’m not, I can understand why I might worry about a jellyfish apocalypse. After all, we are talking about jellyfish here!

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