The Moron’s Guide to Packing for a Move | HumorOutcasts

The Moron’s Guide to Packing for a Move

April 4, 2013

OLYMPUS DIGITAL CAMERABuy some boxes at Staples. Look for any with “made in China” labels and do not buy them.

While you’re at it, buy some package sealing tape. The same “made in China” rule applies to this.

Smile at the staff at Staples and look helpless, so that they will fold the boxes in half and put one of those plastic handles on them for you.

When you finally get home, squeeze everything all at once through the front door. If you get stuck, tug harder. Pick yourself and all the boxes up from the floor and check for damage.

Take one of the boxes and unfold it into a square (or a rectangle, whatever the blasted thing is).

Fold the flaps on the bottom and hold them closed with one hand while grabbing the tape with the other hand. With your one free hand, search for the beginning of the tape and pick at it until it comes loose. The tape will wrinkle, double up and stick to itself. Find any sticky part of the tape that is still usable and stick it on the box to hold the flaps closed for a minute.

Your cat will start to paw at the tape on the box and bite it. Pick her up with your foot and place her a couple of feet away. She will leap right back in. Pick her up with your foot again. Repeat until the cat gets mad and bites your ankle, at which point drop the tape, yell at her and chase her behind the toilet.

Stop the bleeding, put rubbing alcohol on it and cover it with a band-aid.

Pick up the tape and again work to pry the end loose. Unroll a nice, long length of it, and carefully seal the two bottom flaps together. For added insurance, repeat this several times, until half the bottom of the box is covered with tape.

Turn the box right side up and fold the four flaps down.

Robo Kitty.  Will kill you.

Robo Kitty. Will kill you.

The cat will have come out of the bathroom by now. She will see the box on the floor, take a flying leap, land in the middle of it, lie down and stare at you.

Try to sweet-talk the cat out of the box. She’s won’t buy it. She knows you’re lying.

Try to pick her up. She will swat at you, give you the Laser Look of Death and grab your jacket with her claw.

You and the cat pull on each other for a few minutes, until she finally releases the jacket after puncturing it with tiny claw holes.

In desperation, open a new bag of cat treats and put some in her food dish. Kitty will jump out of the box and race to her dish. Quickly grab the box, take it into another room and put it on a chair.

As quietly as possible, fold the clothes you are packing and place them in the box.

No matter how quiet you are, the cat will hear you. She will sneak up behind you, jump onto the chair, and leap onto your folded garments, destroying the neatness and showering them with hair and kitty butt stink.

Pick the cat out of the box and lock her in the closet.

Finish packing the box. Close the top.

Let the cat out of the closet.

Decide that you can only go through this once a day. Collapse on the couch and turn on the TV.

Kathy Minicozzi

Kathy Minicozzi is an opera singer turned aspiring writer, who lives somewhere in New York City. In other words, she's weird, but harmless. She is the author of "Opera for People Who Don't Like It," in which she turns the world of opera and its performers upside down while, at the same time, making it understandable to non-opera lovers and making everyone laugh.

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10 Responses to The Moron’s Guide to Packing for a Move

  1. April 7, 2013 at 4:06 pm

    Well, there goes my idea to relocate to Sedona. I was out of breath by the time I finished reading this. And this is an instant when having a cat actually adds to the stress… sheesh

    • Kathy Minicozzi
      April 8, 2013 at 5:43 pm

      Cats love to hin … er, HELP whenever possible. You can’t blame the poor things. They just want to be included. 😉

  2. April 5, 2013 at 2:47 pm

    Tell me again why we don’t have to pay for such amazing advice?

    • Kathy Minicozzi
      April 5, 2013 at 9:28 pm

      Who wants money when you can have so much fun telling people the hardest way to do something?

  3. April 5, 2013 at 1:46 pm

    Cats always think inside the box. Which makes them adorable. Fun, thanks for reminding me of a past little buddy.

    • Kathy Minicozzi
      April 5, 2013 at 2:40 pm

      My kitty is not only my baby girl, she’s funny enough to be an inspiration.

  4. April 5, 2013 at 8:11 am

    and now you know why after death of a family member, moving is the next biggest stress.

    • Kathy Minicozzi
      April 5, 2013 at 2:39 pm

      I believe it! Like death, moving is also expensive.

  5. lbwoodgate
    April 5, 2013 at 7:30 am

    Kathy, I’m thinking a “Dear Abby”, advice-giving type column is not in your future. 🙂

    • Kathy Minicozzi
      April 5, 2013 at 2:38 pm

      On the other hand, an “Ask Kathy” column for people who want to know the worst way to do something might turn out to be popular.

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