The Parking Chronicles, Part I | HumorOutcasts

The Parking Chronicles, Part I

August 6, 2013
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If I continue this way, I’ll have to invest in a black, hooded sweat suit and a mask, like the ones in “Scream” or “A Clockwork Orange.”

Don’t misunderstand. I want to handle the issue head-on (to wit: catch the perps red-handed). I’ve simply been denied the opportunity. Parkers claiming two spaces are as elusive as a faint whiff of dog shit under a pile of leaves. And so, yes. I’ve become “that person.”

A handful of times, I’ve left unsavory notes under a bad parker’s windshield wiper.

Here’s my defense. One, I have no other recourse. Two, I limit my notes to chronic offenders. Three, I limit my notes to chronic offenders.

Defenses two and three coalesce, creating the necessity to keep track of license plates.

This is how VKF 521 came to my attention.

VKF 521 arrived early Friday afternoons, when there were spaces to be had, and parked smack-dab in the middle of two. There his car remained, unmoved, until late Monday mornings.

From this pattern I gleaned that VKF was a weekend visitor. Which meant that while I was lugging my handbag, overnight bag, gym bag, briefcase, groceries, and laundry a block and-a-half to my apartment, he was probably getting laid.

One day, lurching past VKF’s car, it was more than I could bear. I stopped, dropped my bags and groped for a scrap of paper. Surreptitiously looking left and right, I scrawled, “Please park more considerately!!” and tucked the note securely under his windshield wiper. This was a trial; my wrist was still numb from the weight of a cat litter bag. But I wanted to be proactive — even if it was in a low-down, sneaky way.

As I left the scene of my crime, pride and shame asserted themselves in equal measure. I’d done a dirty job, one calling for misguided assertiveness skills, a prickly disposition, and a ready scrap of paper. However I chose to feel about it, I’d been perfectly suited to the job.

I wonder if Macy’s sells cute hoods and masks.

June O'Hara

Writer, therapist, humorist. My loves are complaining about my hair, talking to my cat and making fun of golf carts; I'm concerned that my clients sense this about me.My stories have been published in "The Battered Suitcase," "Mused Magazine," "Tryst," "Ducts," and "The Connotation Press," which named me one of their top contributors of 2011. I am a frequent contributor to BuzzFeed, and my humor blog, "The Neurosis Files," is at www.juneohara.com.

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7 Responses to The Parking Chronicles, Part I

  1. August 9, 2013 at 11:34 pm

    Deb, maybe I should move to your neck of the woods. And learn how to make moonshine!

  2. Deb Martin-Webster
    August 8, 2013 at 1:33 pm

    In rural NC not only would the car miraculously disappear,it would become parts for a new moonshine still.

  3. August 6, 2013 at 9:30 pm

    Donna, LOL! I wonder which are harder to combat, bad parkers or pigeons on the beach? Pigeons let themselves be known, but bad parkers can be hard to ferret out.

    Such impossible lives we lead! 🙂

  4. August 6, 2013 at 8:24 pm

    Some people do this on purpose because they feel their car deserves special treatment as it belongs to them, the most important people in the world so me, being originally from the Bronx, have left notes that say, “Hey, you are not that important; park right or lose a tire!” That works.

    • Kathy Minicozzi
      August 7, 2013 at 12:54 pm

      Or, alternatively:

      “Park right or your car will be treated to a coat of Vaseline and condoms!”

  5. August 6, 2013 at 8:11 pm

    Thomas, I love it! I just have to keep a low profile so I don’t make any really serious enemies. Still, your sister is my idol.

  6. August 6, 2013 at 7:39 pm

    Take em on. When guys parked in handicapped spots illegally, my sister would put a note under the wiper that said “a small dick is not a disability.”



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