The Prosecution of Punxsutawney Phil?

Apparently, one Ohio prosecutor is so angry at the off-target prognostications of

By: Alessandro M.

Phil, the world’s most famous groundhog, that he is gearing up to charge him with a capital crime (yes, the death penalty) saying: “Contrary to the Groundhog Day report, a snowstorm and record low temperatures have been and are predicted to continue in the near future, which constitutes the offense of MISREPRESENTATION OF EARLY SPRING.”

In non-prosecutor speak that means Phil was purposely lying, and people are not happy.  I am the first to admit that I am not a fan of groundhogs, be they the famous Punxsutawney Phil or the evil squatters who live under my shed, terrorize my pooches and destroy my garden each year.  But the death penalty?  Is this the best use of our tax dollars?  How will they carry out the execution?  Lethal injection? Throw him on live wires? sick pissed off dogs at him?  beheading?

I am sure PETA will have something to say about the plight of Punxsutawney Phil, but PETA has not been the victim of Phil’s  “early spring” predictions this year that were negated by two blizzards and record-cold temperatures throughout much of the US which have contributed to mental melt-downs of  spring-starved citizens everywhere.  Before anyone panics, please take note that the prosecutor was making a tongue-in-cheek charge and Phil will not be put to death—not by Ohio anyway. Texas has volunteered to do the honors because they are so good at capital punishment as it is sort of a hobby there. Scoff if you will, but this idea might has some  merit. What if we held accountable everyone who spread false rumors without care with the threat of the death penalty?  Who would be at risk for elimination?

1. The news media – they just can’t help spreading rumors no matter what their “objective” views are.

2. Any person with a Facebook account who has been dumped by anyone else with a Facebook account

3. I guess we should also include Twitter people who think their accounts are a license to spread facts even if they don’t know if their facts are facts.

4. The  “In Search of Bigfoot” people because they never find “Squatch” but they continue to tell us week in and week out that twigs breaking in the woods are proof of the creature and unless someone shows me a “Squatch” face soon, I am going to demand this show be taken off the air! ( I will not answer angry letters from Bigfoot groupies for this comment)

4. Those who say God talks to them and wants us to know that only  heterosexual virgins  can be happily married.

5. The TAPS ghosthunters. For years, they explained away noises and creaks and other weird things and never found any haunted house evidence. Then, suddenly when other ghost shows started to air, everything they touched had paranormal written all over it.  Coincidence? I think not.

6. Bank CEOs and executives – that should be self-explanatory

7. My ex-hairdresser who did that Brazilian smoothing system on my head and told me it would last three months if I gave her a bunch of money and it lasted 20 minutes.

I am sure the list of those who spread false rumors can go on and on, so feel free to add your own candidates to the “capital punishment  for lying” list.  I welcome any list addition as long as it is legitimate. If not, the next name on the lying list will be yours. and that might not end well.


Share this Post:

8 thoughts on “The Prosecution of Punxsutawney Phil?”

  1. Humor writers should be the exception. Although we are willing to stretch the truth to the breaking point to get laughs, it’s for the good of humankind.

    That’s my excuse, and I’m sticking to it. If anyone can think of a better one, be my guest.

  2. Donna I can’t tell you how many bathroom scales I’ve taken my shot gun to for blatantly lying to me. I starve myself for weeks and lose 2-pounds!!?? Death by buckshot!

  3. Hah! I’m with ya – tho sometimes I’ve been accused of writing a “pack of lies” so I guess I should be careful. At any moment the ax might come down.

Comments are closed.