The Things We Do For Love

During my lunch break, I turned on the TV and there on the screen was a story on North Korea.  Tired of that country and its post-adolescent, overly indulged dictator, I clicked the remote and up popped an episode of Jerry Springer entitled “Lesborama”.  I kid you not…that was the title.  Three girls, dressed in mini-bridal dresses, complete with veils and bouquets, took swings at each other in an effort to determine which two of the three would end up as a couple. Yep, a brawl to the end on Jerry Springer was their measure of love and commitment.

I know what you are saying. “There is nothing more ridiculous than Jerry Springer. “  And up until 7 PM I would have agreed with you, but that’s when I saw a headline crawl across my laptop screen, and this headline made Jerry Springer seem more tame than Sesame Street. Get ready:

“Eel Removed From Man After Getting Stuck, Chewing Through Colon”

See, I told you the Lesborama would seem tame.  So, apparently, a man in China decided to emulate an internet  porn movie and inserted said eel into his derriere area for some type of sexual thrill.  I must live a sheltered life because I can’t figure out what thrill an eel might provide. I wonder if there is a book on this. Anyway, as is the case with most of the best laid plans, this plan went astray and the eel panicked and tried to eat its way out of the man by traveling upward instead of downward and wound up eating his way through the man’s colon and intestine before coming to rest inside some body cavity.

It’s okay you can say “ICK”– I did at least once. I will admit I thought the eel story was a fake but alas, it was true.  I would like to not be judgmental and say to each his own, but to be honest, I am being judgmental on this one. This is not only repugnant but I am sure it breaks some kind of animal abuse law.

So, what did I learn from the day’s headlines:

1. If you want to prove to the one you love your undying devotion no matter what your sexual preferences, do not dress up in costumes and have a fight to the finish slug fest on Jerry Springer. Do what everyone else does and trash each other on Facebook and Twitter

2. If the eel guy lived in North Korea instead of China, the eaten colon would not have happened to him because North Korea has its own internet and porn is not allowed on that internet. It’s interesting to note that North Korea does allow on their special internet the “true” stories of unicorns and how their origins can be traced to North Korea. So, maybe the slithery fish isn’t so bad after all because God knows what the eel man would have done with the unicorn information.

And

3. Sometimes the warning “THESE ARE PROFESSIONAL ACTORS – DO NOT TRY THIS AT HOME” should be taken very seriously.