The Trouble With Rats (Part 2) | HumorOutcasts

The Trouble With Rats (Part 2)

March 18, 2013
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It had been about a week since I had consulted with a professional, scrapped my soy butter, and laid down the forbidden peanut butter snacks-of-death for my uninvited guest rats. So I donned some latex gloves, some safety goggles, and a face mask so that I would not pass out from the scores of sure to be decomposing dead rats assuredly awaiting my visit to the attic. I also brought a large kitchen bag in the hopes that it was strong enough to hold all of the products of ratricide. The box that the trap came in did indeed include a procedure for releasing the rat and reusing the trap, but that was not going to happen. It seemed that a week was a bit long, as there were only 5 traps in there, and once 5 rats were nabbed, I doubted that the others would wait in line for their turn for very long before finally giving up.

So I whipped open the attic door, bracing myself for the inevitable stench of death that awaited me. Hmm. Nothing. A bit like peanut butter, if anything. So I turned on the light and began to scan the traps. Empty. And empty. OK, these were closest to the door. They must have been afraid to go that far toward the attic door. So around the corner I went. Empty. Empty. And Empty. Five empty traps. Snake eyes. In the figurative sense, of course. A pair of real snake eyes might have been a little more helpful than these traps. What’s going on here?

So I pointed my flashlight and took a closer look at each trap. My tantalizing bonus slops of peanut butter seemed to have been scooped up with tiny rat hands. And the cups of peanut butter were scooped clean. All without springing the traps! In their places were tiny burlap bags of sand. And nearby, I found a tiny whip and fedora. I knew I should have also set my boulder trap.

Stay the course, I thought to myself. The man said to be patient. Let them relax and get comfortable. Then take them out with extreme prejudice. I’m not really sure what that means, but it’s been said in a lot of movies where the guy really means business. See you next week then, you rat bastards… IN HELL! (I also stole this from the movies)

Richard Spall

Find more stuff from Richard at "A Claimed Author Richard Spall" on Facebook.

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4 Responses to The Trouble With Rats (Part 2)

  1. lbwoodgate
    March 19, 2013 at 2:44 am

    Just further evidence that rats, like cockroaches, will be around long after mankind has disappeared from this planet.

  2. Kathy Minicozzi
    March 19, 2013 at 12:15 am

    The rats are all hiding in corners, under floorboards and behind doors. And they are snickering behind their little paws and sticking out their little tongues.

    Oh … and they want their peanut butter snacks. If they don’t get them, they will kidnap you and hold you for ransom.

  3. March 18, 2013 at 5:25 pm

    I await the next update with baited breath (I’m out of peanut butter)!

  4. March 18, 2013 at 5:23 pm

    Damn, those rats to me sound as if they got engineering degrees from Va Tech. Did you know them perhaps?



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