The Truth About Vegetables

Last week my wife was out of town, which left me to do the cooking. In our two-person household we both cook, I just do it badly (have you ever burnt spaghetti? That takes a special talent). But the sun also came out, which allowed me to bring out the barbecue grill. And I’m a decent griller.

The ensuing week was a hard-hitting, carnivorous one in which I released more carbon emissions than BP after an oil rig explosion. I was All Man. I cooked chicken. I grilled steak. I roasted sausages. I baked potatoes.

What I did not cook or eat were vegetables. Not a single one. There’s nothing fun or sexy about vegetables. You know why you never see a Bud Light commercial with guys at a cookout ogling peppers or cauliflower? Because vegetables are boring.

When my wife got back, we stepped out to eat. I had a big cobb salad to change things up. I felt like my body needed it, however boring. That night I could not fall asleep. At 1:00 AM I got out of bed and read for a while, which usually works. But when I returned to bed I couldn’t drop off. I rolled from my stomach to my side to my back, over and over again. I felt like one of those greasy hot dogs that rotate on a grill inside a 7-11 store. At 6:00 AM I gave up and headed for the coffee machine.

I hate not being able to sleep. It just kills the next day by turning it into a useless haze where I can’t concentrate. If I were some Special Forces guy facing sleep-deprivation torture, I’d tell my comrades “Sorry guys, I’m talking. I really need my sleep.”

The moral of the story is that you shouldn’t listen to your parents. Don’t fall for it – vegetables aren’t really good for you. That’s just propaganda from the vegetable industry, which is in cahoots with bought-off nutritionists. I used to fall for it, but after last week’s debacle I’m no longer letting myself be fooled.

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