The Waltons: A Sequel

Remember that 1970’s show The Waltons? It was about a hard-working, loving family in Virginia making their way through the Great Depression. Since we’re still slogging our way through the Great Recession, it’s time to do a remake of that show to reflect the reality of our current times. Just like our forebearers, we could use the inspiration and a reminder of what America really stands for.

This remake would feature the family of Sam Walton, founder of Wal-Mart. Since John-Boy was the most loveable character in the original, we’d have Sam Walton return to earth as Sam-Boy, a fresh-eyed youth determined to get ahead in The Greatest Nation on Earth. Here’s a quick overview of the first few episodes:

Episode 1: Welcome To Hell

Sam-Boy reincarnates and finds himself wearing a blue vest inside a Wal-Mart mega store. Standing under a bank of blinding white lights, he’s the only one in the assembled group of employees who doesn’t know the words to The Cheer. His boss glares at him.

Episode 2: So Hungry

After a week of working his ass off, Sam-Boy gets his first check. He stares at the tiny dollar figure in shocked disbelief. Baffled, he goes and applies for Food Stamps.

Episode 3: Hard To Stomach

After eating an in-store hot dog, Sam-Boy falls violently ill. He asks his boss for information about his health insurance. His boss just laughs. And then cuts his hours.

Episode 4: The Sinner

Sick and hungry, Sam-Boy starts talking to fellow employees. They create a list of improvements that will make them healthier, happier, and therefore, better workers. Sam Boy hand-delivers the list to his boss. The boss laughs. And then fires him.

Episode 5: The Homecoming

Sam-Boy returns to the family home, which has always been a source of warmth and comfort. But the modest house has been replaced by a tacky mansion with a five-car garage and a swimming pool. He stands by the fountain and calls out for help. Covered in jewelry, his daughter steps onto the front porch and shouts “Get a job!”

This has an Emmy Award written all over it. If it does well, we’ll move on to It’s Not A Wonderful Life, in which a guardian angel shows Sam how much more prosperous and healthy his community would have been if he’d never been born.