I step up to the register at Fred Meyers, clutching my copy of Elvis Presley: It’s Christmas Time. I’m well aware of how fortunate I am. Eager shoppers have decimated the once-bulging stack of Christmas CDs. Apart from the one I grabbed, the only disks left when I got to the rack were one by Kenny G, another by Alvin and The Chipmunks, and a big stack of country-singer disks.
The guy rings up my purchase and says “Christmas music, huh?”
“Yup,” I reply with enthusiasm, “did you grab one?”
The guy scrunches his eyes and looks at me like I must be kidding. He goes back to running items across the scanner and says “I get more than enough working here.” Then he laughs.
I’ve never considered the brutality of spending eight hours working in a place that pumps out non-stop Christmas music. It must be like suffering a low-level violation of your human-rights. I imagine you pray for it to be interrupted by a call for a cleanup on Aisle Three.
“When did it start?” I ask, like I’m inquiring about the onset of some type of cancer.
The guy issues a dark chuckle and then says “Black Friday.”
My eyebrows race up and I say “Oh, that’s cold.”
The guy nods.
“You’ve got a union, don’t you?” I continue, “That’s gotta be some kind of labor violation right there. Worthy of a formal complaint.”
The guy smiles and hands me my bag. Elvis and I leave the building. Walking to my car, I think about the one time I was trapped in a Christmas music prison. I was flying up to Juneau on Alaska Airlines. The night before I’d had a few too many beers with a friend, and I sat in my seat with a vicious headache and a churning gut. The airline played White Christmas and a few other songs on a repeating loop while we waited for clearance to take off. The irony of the disparity between the cheery music and my grim physical condition wasn’t lost on me. I sat in my seat, taking deep breaths and muttering “Please, please turn off the music.”
I did it to myself, but the others are totally innocent. It’s time to grant them a Christmas music pardon.
We have radio stations that compete to be the first to go to an “All-Christmas music” format each year. One of them usually starts by Nov 1. Fortunately, there are other options for those that don’t want to listen. But what do you do when your spouse wants to watch her favorite Christmas movie for the third time this season?!
On a serious note, music torture is very much real and living. I think you can guess where I’m going with this!
Years ago I worked at a grocery store that played Christmas Muzak all holiday season. I really kind of liked it, though: It was a break from the regular Muzak they played the rest of the year.
To All Walmart, Target and other Employees Who Have Suffered for Weeks Now:
Courage! It will all be over the day after tomorrow.