U.S. Department of Labor: 99% of Jobs Have No Meaning

Despite the fact that most college graduates cite the desire to find meaningful work that can make a difference in the world, bleak figures released today from the United States Department of Labor reveal that, in fact, nearly 99% of all jobs have absolutely no meaning and make no difference in the world.


Secretary of Labor Thomas E. Perez:

“Well, you’ve got a ton of jobs at Walmart…Home Depot…Lowes…And places like Best Buy and cell phone stores. Coffee shops? You try working around people who haven’t had their coffee yet! Tons of fast food jobs. Airline work is truly awful by any standard. Congress is full of a bunch of raging morons. The President of the United States can’t even get anything done on his own outside of maybe some secret CIA stuff. And even though this job pays pretty well, it kinda blows, too. Who gives a shit, really?

There’s social work. That might work if people weren’t so violent and on so many damn drugs. Would would want to do that crap? There are teachers, but again, kids are no better than wild animals these days. So I guess that just leaves firemen. But then again, fire sounds pretty damn dangerous. And although I don’t have any firsthand experience, I’m pretty sure getting burned to death sucks, too. So basically any of these professions are awful and meaningless… and your time and effort there will hardly register as a blip in the record of human existence.”

Secretary Perez concluded his remarks by suggesting that college graduates lay low at their parents place for a while, while they work their own surely meaningless jobs. Things may change by 2050.

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