“The only party in your pants is a search party looking for your tiny dick.”
Feel free to use that one, ladies. I’m here to help.
— James Breakwell, Exploding Unicorn (@XplodingUnicorn) August 8, 2013
Yesterday I learned how to play bridge in case you wondered how close I am to menopause.
— James Breakwell, Exploding Unicorn (@XplodingUnicorn) August 8, 2013
I’m so old, I remember when “that’s interesting” indicated actual interest and wasn’t just a polite way to ask someone to shut up & go away.
— James Breakwell, Exploding Unicorn (@XplodingUnicorn) August 8, 2013
If I was a woman, I’d definitely get a tattoo that said, “Abandon hope all ye who enter,” right above my vagina.
— James Breakwell, Exploding Unicorn (@XplodingUnicorn) August 8, 2013
To log on my computer at work, I need a keycard & a password. My company makes sure I’m super secure while I browse funny cat pics all day.
— James Breakwell, Exploding Unicorn (@XplodingUnicorn) August 8, 2013