Salesman: “Can I help you with something?”
Me: “Yes, my crippling social awkwardness”
Him:
Me:“And batteries”
Him:“Right over here, sir”
— James Breakwell, Exploding Unicorn (@XplodingUnicorn) October 15, 2013
I never argue w/ fast food employees. They sold their dignity for $7.50 an hour. It’s dangerous to mess with that level of not giving a fuck
— James Breakwell, Exploding Unicorn (@XplodingUnicorn) October 15, 2013
Apparently “awesome sauce” isn’t a suitable medical term for semen. Also, this isn’t a sperm bank; it’s a library. I learned a lot today.
— James Breakwell, Exploding Unicorn (@XplodingUnicorn) October 15, 2013
Dog: You’re back!
Me: I got the mail
D: I thought you left for good!
M: You could see me the whole time
D: I love you!
M: I want a cat
— James Breakwell, Exploding Unicorn (@XplodingUnicorn) October 15, 2013
There is no perfect man. There’s also no almost-perfect man. The rating starts at marginally acceptable man and goes down from there.
— James Breakwell, Exploding Unicorn (@XplodingUnicorn) October 15, 2013