Most of my parenting involves hearing a loud noise in the other room and shouting, “What happened?” Getting up is for amateurs.
— James Breakwell, Exploding Unicorn (@XplodingUnicorn) October 21, 2013
People are more important than things. Unless those things are beer or videogames. In that case, fuck people.
— James Breakwell, Exploding Unicorn (@XplodingUnicorn) October 21, 2013
I have 90 packets of Arby’s sauce, but I only eat there like twice a year. Either I grab 45 packets per trip or they reproduce in my fridge.
— James Breakwell, Exploding Unicorn (@XplodingUnicorn) October 21, 2013
I want to go to veterinary surgery school solely so that during an operation on a dog I can say “I’m up in this bitch.” It’d be worth it
— James Breakwell, Exploding Unicorn (@XplodingUnicorn) October 21, 2013
If a woman is irritable and won’t give you a break, calm her down by saying, “You seem hormonal today. Are you pregnant?”
— James Breakwell, Exploding Unicorn (@XplodingUnicorn) October 21, 2013