The guy who fixed the crack in my windshield was named Chip. Now there’s a man who achieved exactly what was expected of him in life.
— James Breakwell, Exploding Unicorn (@XplodingUnicorn) October 2, 2013
I did a crappy job on a project, so my boss frowned and told me I’m better than that. Then we both laughed because we know I’m not.
— James Breakwell, Exploding Unicorn (@XplodingUnicorn) October 2, 2013
I’m not worried my wife will have cybersex w/ another man
Him: I do nasty stuff to you
Her: I just lie there
Him:
Her: Are you done yet?
— James Breakwell, Exploding Unicorn (@XplodingUnicorn) October 2, 2013
My goal weight is to be able to measure myself on the bathroom scale rather than the one they use for trucks on the side of the Interstate.
— James Breakwell, Exploding Unicorn (@XplodingUnicorn) October 2, 2013
Based on how that woman reacted when I copied her lisp, imitation is not the sincerest form of flattery.
— James Breakwell, Exploding Unicorn (@XplodingUnicorn) October 2, 2013