When an apple fell on Sir Isaac Newton’s head, I doubt he really said, “Aha, gravity.” What he really said was probably, “Fuck apples.”
— James Breakwell, Exploding Unicorn (@XplodingUnicorn) October 26, 2013
Daycare lady: Your kid doesn’t have any shoes.
Me: Does she need them?
Her:
Me:
Her:
Me:
Her:
Me: Awesome. I’ll see you guys tonight.
— James Breakwell, Exploding Unicorn (@XplodingUnicorn) October 26, 2013
3 y.o:*throws a toy* Go get it!
Me: Don’t play fetch w/ your sister. She’s not a dog
1 y.o: Bark, bark!
Me: That’s it. I’m done parenting
— James Breakwell, Exploding Unicorn (@XplodingUnicorn) October 26, 2013
I got in trouble for the outfit I wore to my grandma’s birthday party. Apparently it was rude of me to dress up like the Grim
Reaper.— James Breakwell, Exploding Unicorn (@XplodingUnicorn) October 26, 2013
My toddler and I bonded by watching football. Then I caught her watching "Project Runway." It’ll be a while before I can trust anyone again.
— James Breakwell, Exploding Unicorn (@XplodingUnicorn) October 26, 2013