My diet plan: 1) cut a brownie in two 2) eat half 3) eat the other half 4) die fat.
— James Breakwell, Exploding Unicorn (@XplodingUnicorn) October 28, 2013
The main reason I knocked up my wife was so I’d have a designated driver for the next 40 weeks. I plan ahead.
— James Breakwell, Exploding Unicorn (@XplodingUnicorn) October 28, 2013
At first I tried to be happy. Now I just shoot for a tolerable level of misery. I keep my goals realistic.
— James Breakwell, Exploding Unicorn (@XplodingUnicorn) October 28, 2013
My 1-year-old cries when she wakes up. She’s a smart girl. There’s nothing worse than being conscious.
— James Breakwell, Exploding Unicorn (@XplodingUnicorn) October 28, 2013
Me: “Wow, did you lose weight?”
Female acquaintance: “I gave birth.”
Me: “Oh, I thought that was a beer belly.”
Small talk is hard.
— James Breakwell, Exploding Unicorn (@XplodingUnicorn) October 28, 2013
I could go for THAT diet.