Craigslist killers are old news. I only fear murderers on Pinterest. They’ll turn your skull into a decorative centerpiece.
— James Breakwell, Exploding Unicorn (@XplodingUnicorn) October 31, 2013
In my state, it’s legal to own an AR-15 but illegal to own a throwing star. The good news is our ninja problem is completely gone.
— James Breakwell, Exploding Unicorn (@XplodingUnicorn) October 31, 2013
I’d do literally anything to own a lightsaber, yet if I had one I’d probably cut off my own arm within 30 seconds. It’d still be worth it.
— James Breakwell, Exploding Unicorn (@XplodingUnicorn) October 31, 2013
Abraham Lincoln said God must love poor people because he made so many of them. By the same logic, God must really love assholes.
— James Breakwell, Exploding Unicorn (@XplodingUnicorn) October 31, 2013
The accident report from daycare said simply that my 3-year-old “ran into the fridge.” It’s best to just sign the wavier & not ask questions
— James Breakwell, Exploding Unicorn (@XplodingUnicorn) October 31, 2013