My 3-year-old said she likes tea parties, so I made her sleep in the yard. We don’t tolerate politics in this house.
— James Breakwell, Exploding Unicorn (@XplodingUnicorn) October 4, 2013
If a guy works his car into a conversation, I say, “Like the one that just got keyed?” Then he runs to check & I don’t have to talk to him.
— James Breakwell, Exploding Unicorn (@XplodingUnicorn) October 4, 2013
I heard the key to sex is to make my wife wet, so I sprayed her with a garden hose. She didn’t react with the lustful enthusiasm I hoped for
— James Breakwell, Exploding Unicorn (@XplodingUnicorn) October 4, 2013
The most amazing animal in the world is a mother pig because she literally gives birth to bacon.
— James Breakwell, Exploding Unicorn (@XplodingUnicorn) October 4, 2013
My precious daughter looked me in the eye and said, “Daddy, why do you smell like poop?” With a 3-year-old around, no fart goes unnoticed.
— James Breakwell, Exploding Unicorn (@XplodingUnicorn) October 4, 2013