Attractive people are seldom funny because life has been too easy for them. On an unrelated note, you’re hilarious.
— James Breakwell, Exploding Unicorn (@XplodingUnicorn) October 6, 2013
My wife pulled out a “Cosmo” survey & asked, “What’s the best place for sex?” I don’t know what answer she wanted, but it wasn’t “your butt”
— James Breakwell, Exploding Unicorn (@XplodingUnicorn) October 6, 2013
A redesigned $100 bill is coming out. I didn’t even know they made denominations that big. Yesterday I asked someone to break a quarter.
— James Breakwell, Exploding Unicorn (@XplodingUnicorn) October 6, 2013
Marriage means standing up for what you believe in and then caving in and doing what your wife wants instead.
— James Breakwell, Exploding Unicorn (@XplodingUnicorn) October 6, 2013
I want my 3-year-old to be a good person, but I’d settle for her being better at wiping her butt so I don’t have to check her work.
— James Breakwell, Exploding Unicorn (@XplodingUnicorn) October 6, 2013