Me: “Don’t pick that scab. It'll scar, & scars never go away.”
My 3-year-old: “Sometimes they do. Simba knocked Scar off a cliff.”
Touché.
— James Breakwell, Exploding Unicorn (@XplodingUnicorn) October 8, 2013
I could definitely beat a dolphin in a fight. Not in the water, of course. But if one wandered into a parking lot somewhere, I’d dominate.
— James Breakwell, Exploding Unicorn (@XplodingUnicorn) October 8, 2013
The day my wife gave birth:
Her: How far apart are the contractions?
Me: The width of an apostrophe.
H:
M:
H:
M:
H: I will murder you
— James Breakwell, Exploding Unicorn (@XplodingUnicorn) October 8, 2013
Let’s pretend we’re mature for just a second and settle our differences like adults. Just kidding. I already set your house on fire.
— James Breakwell, Exploding Unicorn (@XplodingUnicorn) October 8, 2013
In a way, I’m a vegetarian. I eat vegetables, but only after a cow eats them first and turns them into steak.
— James Breakwell, Exploding Unicorn (@XplodingUnicorn) October 8, 2013