Me: You sound like a broken record.
3-year-old: What’s that?
M: It’s an old type of CD.
3: What’s a CD?
Me: *moves into a nursing home*
— James Breakwell, Exploding Unicorn (@XplodingUnicorn) November 11, 2013
How arguments work in my marriage:
Me:*proves point with irrefutable facts and logic*
Wife: “I have a vagina."
M:*apologizes profusely*
— James Breakwell, Exploding Unicorn (@XplodingUnicorn) November 11, 2013
My 3-year-old said, “I love you, daddy. I hope nothing happens to you.” If I die mysteriously, it’s not an accident.
— James Breakwell, Exploding Unicorn (@XplodingUnicorn) November 11, 2013
Telling kids “no” is easy. Enforcing it is the hard part. About 80% of the things in my house are now hidden on top of the fridge.
— James Breakwell, Exploding Unicorn (@XplodingUnicorn) November 11, 2013
Ease up on the grip bro. The purpose of a handshake is to introduce yourself, not prove you’re the guy in a Steinbeck novel who crushes mice
— James Breakwell, Exploding Unicorn (@XplodingUnicorn) November 11, 2013
