You’re officially an adult when you realize pessimism and wisdom are basically the same thing.
— James Breakwell, Exploding Unicorn (@XplodingUnicorn) November 12, 2013
Some pregnant women crave fruit or chocolate. My wife ate a whole rack of ribs. It was like watching a starving lion tear through a gazelle.
— James Breakwell, Exploding Unicorn (@XplodingUnicorn) November 12, 2013
*four Canadians arrive at a 4-way stop at the same time*
*each driver politely waits for someone to go 1st*
*everybody starves to death*
— James Breakwell, Exploding Unicorn (@XplodingUnicorn) November 12, 2013
Most of my parenting involves fetching snacks for my kids. I could be replaced by a vending machine.
— James Breakwell, Exploding Unicorn (@XplodingUnicorn) November 12, 2013
Coworker: Can you keep a secret?
Me: I could keep spreading it.
C: You’re a douche.
M: That’s a shitty secret. Everyone already knows it.
— James Breakwell, Exploding Unicorn (@XplodingUnicorn) November 12, 2013