3-year-old: Daddy, I don’t want hair that looks like yours.
Me: What does my hair look like?
3: Like stupid.
She gets her tact from me.
— James Breakwell, Exploding Unicorn (@XplodingUnicorn) November 14, 2013
My pregnant wife had a dream that I ate all the ice cream in the house, in case you wondered why I woke up to her strangling me.
— James Breakwell, Exploding Unicorn (@XplodingUnicorn) November 14, 2013
I’m not saying you’re overdoing it with Instagram. I’m merely pointing out you have more pictures of one meal than I have of both of my kids
— James Breakwell, Exploding Unicorn (@XplodingUnicorn) November 14, 2013
“Cinderella” is so unrealistic. No woman would ever leave her shoe behind at a party unless alcohol was involved.
— James Breakwell, Exploding Unicorn (@XplodingUnicorn) November 14, 2013
I’m not accusing you of being a slut. I’m simply stating that given the semen you’ve had onboard, your vagina is the world’s largest navy.
— James Breakwell, Exploding Unicorn (@XplodingUnicorn) November 14, 2013
Get ready for those therapy bills for your three-year-old. She is going to read all these posts one day!