My wife doesn’t think pregnancy makes her crazy. I agreed with her so she would stop screaming and put down the machete.
— James Breakwell, Exploding Unicorn (@XplodingUnicorn) November 15, 2013
When you say, “I don’t need alcohol to have fun,” what everyone hears is “I’m already an asshole when I’m sober.”
— James Breakwell, Exploding Unicorn (@XplodingUnicorn) November 15, 2013
In my house, I’m the king. Unfortunately, my wife is the prime minister. I’m a meaningless figurehead, while she holds all the real power.
— James Breakwell, Exploding Unicorn (@XplodingUnicorn) November 15, 2013
Women love baby animals. Men love porn.
*shoots a video of hot lesbians playing with puppies*
*wins all the money on the Internet*
— James Breakwell, Exploding Unicorn (@XplodingUnicorn) November 15, 2013
Of course I use hand sanitizer after I play with my kids. They were once inside my wife’s vagina.
— James Breakwell, Exploding Unicorn (@XplodingUnicorn) November 15, 2013
