Me: Why do you love me?
Wife: *shrugs*
Me: Why do you find me annoying?
Wife: *reveals six spreadsheets and a pie chart*
— James Breakwell, Exploding Unicorn (@XplodingUnicorn) November 19, 2013
Me: What do you think of my beard?
3-year-old: I love it!
Me: I knew it looked good.
3: What’s a beard?
— James Breakwell, Exploding Unicorn (@XplodingUnicorn) November 19, 2013
My boss didn’t give me a pay increase, so I started doing half as much work in the same number of hours. I basically gave myself a 50% raise
— James Breakwell, Exploding Unicorn (@XplodingUnicorn) November 19, 2013
Me: I could survive in the wild.
Wife: It took you 9 minutes to open a bag of chips.
Hopefully wild game isn’t wrapped in plastic.
— James Breakwell, Exploding Unicorn (@XplodingUnicorn) November 19, 2013
I just found out people who get high don’t literally chase a dragon. Now I don’t know why anyone even bothers to do drugs.
— James Breakwell, Exploding Unicorn (@XplodingUnicorn) November 19, 2013