Me: "Am I pretty?"
3-year-old daughter: "Boys aren’t pretty. They’re handsome."
Me: "Am I handsome?"
3-year-old: "No."
— James Breakwell, Exploding Unicorn (@XplodingUnicorn) November 22, 2013
Turning on a guy is like flipping a light switch. Turning on a woman is like wiring that switch & then building a nuclear plant to power it.
— James Breakwell, Exploding Unicorn (@XplodingUnicorn) November 22, 2013
Me: *tries to put a coat on 1-year-old* Why won’t this fit?
Wife: Because she’s already wearing a coat
Like I have time to look at my kids
— James Breakwell, Exploding Unicorn (@XplodingUnicorn) November 22, 2013
A guy took my normal seat in the break room, so I tore off my shirt and stole copper wire from the wall because apparently anarchy is OK now
— James Breakwell, Exploding Unicorn (@XplodingUnicorn) November 22, 2013
I can’t believe I’m legally considered an adult. No one over 18 should spend this many hours a day thinking of ways to catch a leprechaun.
— James Breakwell, Exploding Unicorn (@XplodingUnicorn) November 22, 2013
