Wife: "It’s colder than a witch’s tits."
Me: "I wouldn’t know. You never let me touch them."
And that’s when she ripped off my balls.
— James Breakwell, Exploding Unicorn (@XplodingUnicorn) November 24, 2013
My 3-year-old somehow got a huge scratch on her face but didn’t say a word about it. It looks like she knows the first rule of fight club.
— James Breakwell, Exploding Unicorn (@XplodingUnicorn) November 24, 2013
How long do you have to be awake before you can take your first nap of the day? It’s been a rough four minutes.
— James Breakwell, Exploding Unicorn (@XplodingUnicorn) November 24, 2013
3-year-old: “Daddy, stay here. I don’t want to be alone right now.”
She was pooping. These aren’t the daddy-daughter moments I envisioned.
— James Breakwell, Exploding Unicorn (@XplodingUnicorn) November 24, 2013
Here’s a game: Respond to everything with “Well, that’s your opinion” and see how long it takes you to get stabbed. Bonus points for dying.
— James Breakwell, Exploding Unicorn (@XplodingUnicorn) November 24, 2013
I think my new favorite saying is “it’s colder than a witch’s tits”. I am pretty sure that is as detailed and descriptive as one can get.
It’s a scientific term. They teach it in meteorology school.