My 3-year-old wiped out twice in her princess costume's high heels but kept wearing them because they’re pretty. She’s officially a woman.
— James Breakwell, Exploding Unicorn (@XplodingUnicorn) November 25, 2013
My phone hasn’t been out of my hand in five years. If your call goes straight to voicemail, maybe you should take a hint and stop calling.
— James Breakwell, Exploding Unicorn (@XplodingUnicorn) November 25, 2013
3-year-old: Can I skip my nap?
Me: Only if I can take one in your place.
3: OK
Me: See you later. Don’t let your sister play with knives.
— James Breakwell, Exploding Unicorn (@XplodingUnicorn) November 25, 2013
My dog didn’t hear the raccoon that ransacked my back porch, but his ears perk up at a Cheerio that hits the ground three rooms away.
— James Breakwell, Exploding Unicorn (@XplodingUnicorn) November 25, 2013
Me: “What do you want for Christmas?”
My dad: “A son who isn’t a total fuck-up.”
Guess who's getting another tie.
— James Breakwell, Exploding Unicorn (@XplodingUnicorn) November 26, 2013