My 3-year-old daughter said, “Daddy, can you please go away now?”
She’s already turning into her mother.
— James Breakwell, Exploding Unicorn (@XplodingUnicorn) November 30, 2013
How many fucks I give is directly proportional to the number of buttons on my outfit. I’m wearing sweatpants & a hoodie. Keep your distance.
— James Breakwell, Exploding Unicorn (@XplodingUnicorn) November 30, 2013
My 3-year-old plays a lot of imaginary games, but the only rule in all of them is to stand in front of the TV and be as loud as possible.
— James Breakwell, Exploding Unicorn (@XplodingUnicorn) November 30, 2013
Me: How was your day?
Wife:*talks for an hour* How was yours?
M:*four minutes of silence*
W: Well?
M: At some point, I think I ate food.
— James Breakwell, Exploding Unicorn (@XplodingUnicorn) November 30, 2013
The world doesn’t revolve around you, but it might if you keep eating like that. Your gravitational pull is increasing at an alarming rate.
— James Breakwell, Exploding Unicorn (@XplodingUnicorn) November 30, 2013