Me: Will you ever stop loving me?
Wife: I didn't know I ever started.
Then we high-fived and went back to not speaking to each other.
— James Breakwell, Exploding Unicorn (@XplodingUnicorn) November 4, 2013
3-year-old: Daddy, if you ever get on fire, you should rock and roll.
Me: It’s drop and roll.
3:
M:
3:
M:
3: You don’t make sense.
— James Breakwell, Exploding Unicorn (@XplodingUnicorn) November 4, 2013
Protip: If your kid falls in the toilet, the appropriate response is apparently to help them out, not to get your camera to take a picture.
— James Breakwell, Exploding Unicorn (@XplodingUnicorn) November 4, 2013
I caught my 1-year-old eating Cheetos for breakfast, so I did the right thing: I gave my other kid Cheetos, too, b/c I believe in fairness.
— James Breakwell, Exploding Unicorn (@XplodingUnicorn) November 4, 2013
Son: “I learned it by watching you, dad!"
Dad: “The hell you did. Your form is terrible.” *shows son how to properly smoke pot*
— James Breakwell, Exploding Unicorn (@XplodingUnicorn) November 4, 2013