Don’t ask me to kill a spider for you & then criticize my methods. Yes, I had to use a samurai sword, & no, I’m not sorry about your table.
— James Breakwell, Exploding Unicorn (@XplodingUnicorn) December 1, 2013
When my wife calls me “honey,” there’s a 0.01% chance she wants sex and 99.99% chance she wants a favor involving manual labor or baby poop.
— James Breakwell, Exploding Unicorn (@XplodingUnicorn) December 1, 2013
I discovered my 3-year-old helpfully put away her cup of milk. Too bad she did it days ago in her play fridge. The Hazmat team is on its way
— James Breakwell, Exploding Unicorn (@XplodingUnicorn) December 1, 2013
Church is a great place to ponder the mysteries of the universe. Today I considered who would win if He-Man fought Alf. It’d be a draw.
— James Breakwell, Exploding Unicorn (@XplodingUnicorn) December 1, 2013
Me: I’m sorry.
Wife: You don’t mean that.
M: Duh. I can’t apologize AND mean it. I’m just one man.
Women are impossible.
— James Breakwell, Exploding Unicorn (@XplodingUnicorn) December 1, 2013