My wife made me try out for our church’s nativity play. I volunteered to be Harry Potter. Guess who earned himself a quiet evening at home.
— James Breakwell, Exploding Unicorn (@XplodingUnicorn) December 14, 2013
Me: Can we turn up the heat?
Wife: No. It’s not even cold.
Me: Fine.
*puts on coat*
*makes snow angels in the living room*
— James Breakwell, Exploding Unicorn (@XplodingUnicorn) December 14, 2013
Me: I’m in great shape. I’ve been holding the plank position for an hour.
Wife: Isn’t your chest supposed to be off the ground?
Hater.
— James Breakwell, Exploding Unicorn (@XplodingUnicorn) December 14, 2013
If your idea of a good time isn’t to get drunk and throw Chicken McNuggets at passing vehicles, then I question your commitment to alcohol.
— James Breakwell, Exploding Unicorn (@XplodingUnicorn) December 14, 2013
I’m here to save the whales.
*puts on scuba gear*
*pulls out Bible*
*commences baptism*
— James Breakwell, Exploding Unicorn (@XplodingUnicorn) December 14, 2013
You are just dying to be sent to Bible Belt Hell aren’t you?